Young Viral-ers Will Doom Us

So the internet is getting so involved that little kids are trying to spark up a little viral madness. 'LnAmovies' claims to be a director, and that's true, I guess, only in the sense that he's directing humanity to the doom pile.



Alright, this tickles my funny stomach. But he's on a mission to be weird, which defeats the whole purpose of embracing the weirdness of the Webz. So let's just say that I hope this kid gets a raging case of internet herpes, because that's what you deserve when you rape the info superhighway.

Male Toenails Will Doom Us...

...by stabbing us in the collective face. Don't ask how I found these.


My nightmares now have fuel for the rest of my life. Which won't be too much longer. Because I'm going to get shivved in the gut by a pinkie toe.


Help me, please. I'm scurred.

Tragic Celebrity Deaths Will Doom Us

I know everyone is still crying their eyes out about MJ dying-and I know he was like the greatest basketball player ever and stuff, but it's been two days-but, BILLY MAYS JUST DIED.

This bums me out. Who will sell us things? But in all seriousness, I'm sure all of America will be mourning this unsolved death. And who is next? Mays is the fourth celebrity to go in a week, and clearly the most important one. Tomorrow, I better be seeing Al Roker on TV or I'm going to go into emotional hiding. Let's all remember this wonderful man.

Snickers Will Doom Us

Look what the consumption of Snickers has done to this poor old man.

Snickers should just use this as a commercial, so they can promote both their wonderfully sweet candy bars and a healthier lifestyle by showing what eating a Snickers a day can do to you. This guy, Ted Pillman, is pretty new to the web, but already has scores of video evidence of his Snickers addiction. Now, even though he's never shown eating another Snickers, I must assume that it's the reason for his current awesomeness/creepiness.

Watch everything there is of him. Let's do what we can as Americans to make sure he's the next President of the U.S.A., or at least the next Mayor of Harrisburg.

Ed Hardy Will Doom Us

If you wear Ed Hardy clothing, you would look a lot better if you just walked around naked.



I never knew that so many celebrities lacked any basic knowledge of fashion. Seriously Chris Rock, just put on some muddy overalls and dung-stained work boots and hold the shovel used to scrape cow poop off the barn floor and you'll reek of way less shit.

I bet these kids push the nerds off the monkey bars at recess:


Puffy: "Ed, you a force of nature, baby." Diddy doesn't even know the designer guy's real name! What a fan. I bet they're real tight. But a force of nature! I mean, he is up there with tornadoes and 2012 in terms of how much they will all doom us.
Nature's force!:

JJ Abrams' Past Will Doom Us

Being such a huge fan of Lost and the trailer for Star Trek, I innocently decided I would do a little research into the first couple projects by JJ Abrams. To my horror, I found out that Mr. Abrams once co-wrote this:
I feel like I need a shower. This is just wrong.



Also, his little profile bio on Wikipedia mentions nothing of this film. It's like even websites are trying to act as if it never happened.
WWDFD? What Would Daniel Faraday Do? If he were to do a time jump back to 1997 LA, he'd probably shrug his shoulders and say that whatever happened, happened, so there's no use in trying to stop JJ's hand from typing words that will come out of Joe Pesci's mouth. But then Jack would be there and he'd be all, "If we stop him from writing this script then he won't become successful and he'll never write Lost and we'll never crash on the island and we'll all be okay."
And then Faraday will be like, "But we're only characters! We'll never exist!" And he'll try to kill Jack before Jack can kill JJ, but JJ will see it coming and he'll immediately start writing Lost and make Eloise jump out from a corner and shoot Daniel and Jack.


Goddam Sayid, cool it. As long as Gone Fishin' gets made, you can still shoot boy Ben.

Nic Cage's Stunt Double Will Doom Us

So Nic Cage is filming and starring in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, a brand new version of that one part in Fantasia where Mickey brings a bunch of brooms to life(it's been a while since I've seen it). In this new update, apparently wizards can teleport and make brooms dance and build bridges made out of branches across the Atlantic-trust me-but they can't get that driving thing down pat:


That guy was supposed to be Nic's double? He looks more like a cross between nineties Ben Stiller and Mark McGrath. But seriously, they should use that shitty cell phone footage in the actual film and turn the sorcerer into a raging drunk.

People Turning Mulder and Scully into Things They Aren't Will Doom Us

As I've said before, Fox Mulder was my childhood mentor/hero/chakra-cleanser/Yoga instructor/midwife. So I think I owe it to him to let him know that someone is totally fucking with his image:


This does nothing but severely downplay the seriousness of Fox's work. I have nothing against Joel. In fact, I happen to love Joel as well:

But Joel is Joel and Fox is Fox! Their lives cannot mix together. Unless there's a brand new TV show where Mulder and Joel have to comment on b-movies and Fox gets so caught up in the films that he jumps through the screen and tries to catch those giant beetles or Santa-kidnapping Martians.
Or a show where Joel joins the X-Files and follows Mulder and Scully on their cases, just making fun of everything they do. You know, good money making ideas like that.

And then there's this:

Actually, this appeals very much to all my senses, mainly because I wouldn't mind Scully explaining periods to me.

And now, THE TOP FIVE 'I WANT TO BELIEVE' POSTERS.
5.
I think we all want to believe that this person is alive and well. I want to believe that he would be my friend and take me to baseball games.

4.
I'm not sure if this one counts if I already do believe.

3.
It is hard to believe that something this undeniably delicious can exist.

2.
I want to believe that he head-butted that hole.

1.
Obvious, but oh so true. Life's only great mystery.

Aliens Abducting Nessie and Dropping Her in Other Places Will Doom Us

Apparently there have been sightings around the English Channel of some kind of creature that may or not look like the Loch Ness Monster. Now, I look up to Fox Mulder like I would a god, and he has taught me to want to believe. And goddammit, I WANT TO BELIEVE. So badly. But then I watched the video that was posted last week:

I want to, but I just can't believe. Not this time.

One theory, from All News Web, proposes that, since there were some UFO sightings around the English Channel five years ago, then MAYBE those aliens captured Nessie from her original stomping grounds and dropped her off in some different waters a little bit south. And for what reason? You know, just to fuck with the humans.

Here's some journalism:

That looks terribly fake. Next time you try to make a viral Nessie scare, hire better actors for the false news reports.

PETA Will Doom Us (And Non-Humans)

I know, I know. There's a lot of PETA bashing, and most everything has been said about them that needs to be, but I think Penn & Teller need to become the main opponents of those phony animal 'savers.' Seriously, watch all of this.


Anyone who thinks PETA does good things, please think again. How about supporting a good organization like the ASPCA.

I can reasonably get behind any organization that lets puppies use skateboards.


I don't know what's going on, but that lady looks good. Both of them.

Counting on People Will Doom Us

Don't count on your friend to know how to throw.


You can't count on your soldiers to know how to move their arms and legs at the same time.

In their defense, jumping jacks are fucking difficult.

Don't count on your friends to catch you.


And never count on yourself to not be a total tool.

Exercise Will Doom Us

So I've been thinking about joining a gym and starting to build some giant muscles so I can rob banks and not get stopped. But then I did some research about how to lift weights.


No thanks.

So I thought about learning how to kick box, because I figure if I'm going to kick shit all the time anyway I might as well get paid to kick people.


I'll just kick things that won't, or can't, kick back.

I guess I could just drive away from the cops.


Damn.

Bo Obama Will Doom Us

I'm pretty sick of hearing about the Obama dog.

Nice aerial shot at the beginning.

I keep thinking every day that people will stop giving a shit, but just this morning I hear a "news" story about how fucking crazy Bo is. Michelle said she woke up to the dog making noises in the hall and that he's just wacky and stuff. MAKING NOISES IN THE HALL?!?!? Holy shit, what a bonkers SOB. They should really put that thing to sleep before it rips someone's head off or turns out to be Robin Williams reincarnated in dog form.

I'd recommend going with this lovable little fella.

Fats on a Plane Will Doom Us

There are advocates for the obese?! What's the world coming to?

Damn, this bitch in the pink thing is annoying. If you take two seats, you pay for both of them, it's as simple as that. Americans on average have gotten fatter over the years. Airlines shouldn't have to waste money to build wider planes or install giant seats. Get over yourself, pinkie, and either squeeze into one seat or fork over some extra cash.

I think it's a good indicator that if you can't fit into a seat on an airplane, then you're TOO fat, and you should stop pretending to be "proud of my fatness," and focus the energy it takes to form those words on exercising or trying to make yourself healthy so you can live to a decent age. Unless you're going for gradual-suicide-by-fat-buildup. Then, hey, have at it, but pay up.

This guy knows.

The Tree Apocalypse Will Doom Us

Is this the beginning of the end? Are the trees finally realizing they have to attack us from the inside and not brainwash us into jumping in lion cages?

They're tree terrorists! Get with it!

Obviously Shyamalan is some form of a 'tard; the way trees are actually going to take over the world is by first planting tiny seeds into our organs and then transforming into this:

People like to have sympathy for Tree Man, but I know better. He's the first of his kind, the unwilling leader of an army of Tree People that will take over the world. The next stage in his transformation is this:


I'll be cowering in a corner with a chainsaw on each appendage. Join me if you want to live.

Killer Santas/Killing Santa Will Doom Us

I want the holiday to come early.








And of course, the classic...

A Lack of Understanding OJ Will Doom Us

So Hulk Hogan is really pissed off at his bitch of a wife, Linda, because she's divorcing him and taking all his money. Apparently she's also dating some teenage dude, which wouldn't be so gross if she weren't so gross. In an interview with Rolling Stone(why is Hulk doing an interview with Rolling Stone?), Hulk says(via CNN):

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody's throat."

Could have. Key words. Hulk's not actually going to murder the greedy bloodsucker. Or, maybe...

"I totally understand O.J. I get it."

Oh, whatever. Hulk's just thinking out loud, you know, weighing his options. Because really, his logic works out: if he'd pulled an OJ on his wife he wouldn't be having any of these problems. He's not saying he'll do it! I mean, look at OJ! Dude got to skip that whole divorce shit!

Watch out Linda, or you'll get this shit in your face:

Unfortunate Names Will Doom Us

Bob, it might be the fact that no woman wants to become Mrs. Fagot that has cost you relationships, not your job.