Ed Hardy Will Doom Us

If you wear Ed Hardy clothing, you would look a lot better if you just walked around naked.



I never knew that so many celebrities lacked any basic knowledge of fashion. Seriously Chris Rock, just put on some muddy overalls and dung-stained work boots and hold the shovel used to scrape cow poop off the barn floor and you'll reek of way less shit.

I bet these kids push the nerds off the monkey bars at recess:


Puffy: "Ed, you a force of nature, baby." Diddy doesn't even know the designer guy's real name! What a fan. I bet they're real tight. But a force of nature! I mean, he is up there with tornadoes and 2012 in terms of how much they will all doom us.
Nature's force!:

JJ Abrams' Past Will Doom Us

Being such a huge fan of Lost and the trailer for Star Trek, I innocently decided I would do a little research into the first couple projects by JJ Abrams. To my horror, I found out that Mr. Abrams once co-wrote this:
I feel like I need a shower. This is just wrong.



Also, his little profile bio on Wikipedia mentions nothing of this film. It's like even websites are trying to act as if it never happened.
WWDFD? What Would Daniel Faraday Do? If he were to do a time jump back to 1997 LA, he'd probably shrug his shoulders and say that whatever happened, happened, so there's no use in trying to stop JJ's hand from typing words that will come out of Joe Pesci's mouth. But then Jack would be there and he'd be all, "If we stop him from writing this script then he won't become successful and he'll never write Lost and we'll never crash on the island and we'll all be okay."
And then Faraday will be like, "But we're only characters! We'll never exist!" And he'll try to kill Jack before Jack can kill JJ, but JJ will see it coming and he'll immediately start writing Lost and make Eloise jump out from a corner and shoot Daniel and Jack.


Goddam Sayid, cool it. As long as Gone Fishin' gets made, you can still shoot boy Ben.

Nic Cage's Stunt Double Will Doom Us

So Nic Cage is filming and starring in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, a brand new version of that one part in Fantasia where Mickey brings a bunch of brooms to life(it's been a while since I've seen it). In this new update, apparently wizards can teleport and make brooms dance and build bridges made out of branches across the Atlantic-trust me-but they can't get that driving thing down pat:


That guy was supposed to be Nic's double? He looks more like a cross between nineties Ben Stiller and Mark McGrath. But seriously, they should use that shitty cell phone footage in the actual film and turn the sorcerer into a raging drunk.

People Turning Mulder and Scully into Things They Aren't Will Doom Us

As I've said before, Fox Mulder was my childhood mentor/hero/chakra-cleanser/Yoga instructor/midwife. So I think I owe it to him to let him know that someone is totally fucking with his image:


This does nothing but severely downplay the seriousness of Fox's work. I have nothing against Joel. In fact, I happen to love Joel as well:

But Joel is Joel and Fox is Fox! Their lives cannot mix together. Unless there's a brand new TV show where Mulder and Joel have to comment on b-movies and Fox gets so caught up in the films that he jumps through the screen and tries to catch those giant beetles or Santa-kidnapping Martians.
Or a show where Joel joins the X-Files and follows Mulder and Scully on their cases, just making fun of everything they do. You know, good money making ideas like that.

And then there's this:

Actually, this appeals very much to all my senses, mainly because I wouldn't mind Scully explaining periods to me.

And now, THE TOP FIVE 'I WANT TO BELIEVE' POSTERS.
5.
I think we all want to believe that this person is alive and well. I want to believe that he would be my friend and take me to baseball games.

4.
I'm not sure if this one counts if I already do believe.

3.
It is hard to believe that something this undeniably delicious can exist.

2.
I want to believe that he head-butted that hole.

1.
Obvious, but oh so true. Life's only great mystery.

Aliens Abducting Nessie and Dropping Her in Other Places Will Doom Us

Apparently there have been sightings around the English Channel of some kind of creature that may or not look like the Loch Ness Monster. Now, I look up to Fox Mulder like I would a god, and he has taught me to want to believe. And goddammit, I WANT TO BELIEVE. So badly. But then I watched the video that was posted last week:

I want to, but I just can't believe. Not this time.

One theory, from All News Web, proposes that, since there were some UFO sightings around the English Channel five years ago, then MAYBE those aliens captured Nessie from her original stomping grounds and dropped her off in some different waters a little bit south. And for what reason? You know, just to fuck with the humans.

Here's some journalism:

That looks terribly fake. Next time you try to make a viral Nessie scare, hire better actors for the false news reports.

PETA Will Doom Us (And Non-Humans)

I know, I know. There's a lot of PETA bashing, and most everything has been said about them that needs to be, but I think Penn & Teller need to become the main opponents of those phony animal 'savers.' Seriously, watch all of this.


Anyone who thinks PETA does good things, please think again. How about supporting a good organization like the ASPCA.

I can reasonably get behind any organization that lets puppies use skateboards.


I don't know what's going on, but that lady looks good. Both of them.

Counting on People Will Doom Us

Don't count on your friend to know how to throw.


You can't count on your soldiers to know how to move their arms and legs at the same time.

In their defense, jumping jacks are fucking difficult.

Don't count on your friends to catch you.


And never count on yourself to not be a total tool.