Exercise Will Doom Us

So I've been thinking about joining a gym and starting to build some giant muscles so I can rob banks and not get stopped. But then I did some research about how to lift weights.


No thanks.

So I thought about learning how to kick box, because I figure if I'm going to kick shit all the time anyway I might as well get paid to kick people.


I'll just kick things that won't, or can't, kick back.

I guess I could just drive away from the cops.


Damn.

Bo Obama Will Doom Us

I'm pretty sick of hearing about the Obama dog.

Nice aerial shot at the beginning.

I keep thinking every day that people will stop giving a shit, but just this morning I hear a "news" story about how fucking crazy Bo is. Michelle said she woke up to the dog making noises in the hall and that he's just wacky and stuff. MAKING NOISES IN THE HALL?!?!? Holy shit, what a bonkers SOB. They should really put that thing to sleep before it rips someone's head off or turns out to be Robin Williams reincarnated in dog form.

I'd recommend going with this lovable little fella.

Fats on a Plane Will Doom Us

There are advocates for the obese?! What's the world coming to?

Damn, this bitch in the pink thing is annoying. If you take two seats, you pay for both of them, it's as simple as that. Americans on average have gotten fatter over the years. Airlines shouldn't have to waste money to build wider planes or install giant seats. Get over yourself, pinkie, and either squeeze into one seat or fork over some extra cash.

I think it's a good indicator that if you can't fit into a seat on an airplane, then you're TOO fat, and you should stop pretending to be "proud of my fatness," and focus the energy it takes to form those words on exercising or trying to make yourself healthy so you can live to a decent age. Unless you're going for gradual-suicide-by-fat-buildup. Then, hey, have at it, but pay up.

This guy knows.

The Tree Apocalypse Will Doom Us

Is this the beginning of the end? Are the trees finally realizing they have to attack us from the inside and not brainwash us into jumping in lion cages?

They're tree terrorists! Get with it!

Obviously Shyamalan is some form of a 'tard; the way trees are actually going to take over the world is by first planting tiny seeds into our organs and then transforming into this:

People like to have sympathy for Tree Man, but I know better. He's the first of his kind, the unwilling leader of an army of Tree People that will take over the world. The next stage in his transformation is this:


I'll be cowering in a corner with a chainsaw on each appendage. Join me if you want to live.

Killer Santas/Killing Santa Will Doom Us

I want the holiday to come early.








And of course, the classic...

A Lack of Understanding OJ Will Doom Us

So Hulk Hogan is really pissed off at his bitch of a wife, Linda, because she's divorcing him and taking all his money. Apparently she's also dating some teenage dude, which wouldn't be so gross if she weren't so gross. In an interview with Rolling Stone(why is Hulk doing an interview with Rolling Stone?), Hulk says(via CNN):

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody's throat."

Could have. Key words. Hulk's not actually going to murder the greedy bloodsucker. Or, maybe...

"I totally understand O.J. I get it."

Oh, whatever. Hulk's just thinking out loud, you know, weighing his options. Because really, his logic works out: if he'd pulled an OJ on his wife he wouldn't be having any of these problems. He's not saying he'll do it! I mean, look at OJ! Dude got to skip that whole divorce shit!

Watch out Linda, or you'll get this shit in your face:

Unfortunate Names Will Doom Us

Bob, it might be the fact that no woman wants to become Mrs. Fagot that has cost you relationships, not your job.